The Dark Knight Rises (Spoilers Galore)

Seriously, if you haven’t seen this movie and are planning to, this is not the blog entry for you.  This entry is for the frustrated fans.  This entry is for people who might have had a different or better understanding of the final film than I did.  This entry is for Chris Nolan to tell me what the hell he was thinking in the editing room.  This entry is for the people that will see this several times in the theater and come up with the minutiae that can be entered into the court of public opinion as exhibits a-z.

Okay, so Bane is big, scary and ruthless.  My first issue is that his voice sounds like a birthday clown at a drive-thru.  There were several times during the course of the film where I laughed out loud at his dialogue, not because it was funny but because it sounded like the pitchman from those General commercials was delivering the line on helium. He’s a pretty good fighter when he’s beating security guards with a motorcycle helmet, however it doesn’t help his cause that the Batman he is defeating has been out of practice for 8 years and just got his prostate checked by a Doctor that looks an awful lot like Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911 (same actor).  Not to mention he dresses in the same creepy Fur Collar jacket that Vin Diesel wore in XXX and has a penchant for grasping his BDSM-leathers like a 19th century prospector gripping his suspenders and surveying his land.  At no moment in the film did Bane ever rise to the level of menace and monster that Heath Ledger achieved with the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Secondly, the big plot to bankrupt Bruce Wayne by short selling futures that were meant to rise or some other such financial nonsense.  While they were making trades with Bruce Wayne’s fingerprint they could have transferred additional portions of his controlling 51% to Dagget making him the majority stakeholder and circumventing the appointment of the Tate lady as Chairwoman of the Board.

The chanting of ‘Rise, Rise, Rise’ in the Pit was straight up dumb as hell.  It sounded like they were chanting some variant of “this is awesome, awesome, this is awesome, awesome.”  Also how does no one question, interrupt or interfere with the transferal of Batman from Gotham City to the East African Pit of a Prison.  Assuming Bane is able to pull this off with his own private plane while somehow avoiding the jet fighters scrambled in the air space around Gotham, how in the holy hell does Batman return to the city under military quarantine after making the climb and escaping the Pit?  Did he sail back to Gotham on the S.S. Gaping Plot Hole?

From every trailer and every part of the film, Detective Blake looks like he’s going to be Robin.  He just fits the Robin mold.  Of course, by the end of the film we’re pretty sure that he will be taking up the cowl of Batman, and yet there must be a parting shot where the lady talking to him tells him he should use his real name, Robin, because it’s prettier. Which are you, the new DK or the Boy Wonder?  I imagine this little is he/ isn’t he has more to do with actors returning to sequels than anything else. Just to be safe somebody teach this kid Kung-Fu, huh?  Also, how lucky is this actor not only does he get to be Robin/Maybe Batman, but he’s already been cast as The Cobra Commander in the G.I. Joe franchise.  As an 80s baby, I can tell you this kid’s got it made.  Next he’ll be playing Daniel LaRusso in Karate Kid V.

The cop on the bridge who shoots at Blake and blows the bridge played by the actor who plays Quinn on Dexter. I was happy to see that he could be just as worthless a piece of shit in this film as he is on that show.  Has he ever been good in anything? Ever?

Despite telling Catwoman to her face moments before he takes off that the Bat doesn’t have autopilot, according to Fox’s lackey, Bruce Wayne patched the autopilot on the vehicle 6 months before, which is cutting their entire timeline pretty close as he would have had to fix it on just about the first day the Bat was shown to him.

I don’t have an exact timeline of the countdown to 0:00:00 for the bomb that Batman is carrying around on his wing but near as I can figure the explosion that occurs right before he passes over the bridge that Blake is on must be him detaching the cockpit in some sort of eject/escape pod, and it is then that AutoPilot takes it out over see, and could possibly explain why we still get shots of Batman at the controls of the Bat, assuming that the controls come with the pod/cockpit when it ejects/disengages.

My wife was upset that I had told her the cafe in Florence would make a comeback in the end, the moment that Alfred said anything.  Duh.  Whenever one character tells another that he always wishes he’d see him at point a doing B, you can bet your sweet ass that’s exactly what you’ll see in the final reel.  I’ll just throw Good Will Hunting out there as a for instance.

So at the end of our trilogy, Commissioner Gordon’s entire family is gone but he’s got his batsignal back, except the ACTUAL Batman is in Italy with Catwoman.  Alfred is out of a job but he inherited the ‘fixin’s of Wayne Manor and he gets to see his boy Bruce order a cafe au lait at a sidewalk bistro.  Blake quits the GPD but gets to live in and below Wayne Manor thanks to his ties to the orphanage. Bane gets quickly dispatched by a shot from Batcycle, Tate/Talia has an ‘I regret nothing last gasp’ behind the wheel of the stolen BatBombTruck. Matthew Modine dies with his gloves on. Oh, and there are still 1000s of escaped convicts on the streets of Gotham, so the city is probably going to need a fucking Batman again, but no, that’s cool, you go ahead to Tuscany.

I’ll just sit here wondering how this could ever be taken as a serious followup to the fantastic second installment of the trilogy.


~ by chrismcdevitt on July 22, 2012.

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