Ridiculously Long Lasting or just Stupid Marketing

From time to time, a lot more often lately, my girlfriend buys me gum.  She doesn’t like the way the smoke breath smells, and takes every opportunity to hint at it.  Usually, by coming out of a convenience store with a ‘present’ for me.  Is it a Coke Rewards cap?  Nope.  Just gum.

Stride Gum

Lately she’s been buying Stride.  It’s got a cool box.  I like the way it flips open.  What I don’t like is their advertising slogan.  Ridiculously Long Lasting.  Is it?  Is it really?

 I’m going to test that today.  I just popped my first piece a few minutes ago at 9:04 a.m.  I won’t be eating lunch today, so let’s see how well Stride stands up to the coupla buckets worth of Sprite Zero I drink everyday.  I’ll be updating this blog throughout the day. 

Neat box.

Neat Box

Stay Tuned.

9:04 a.m.-  I put a piece of WinterBlue Stride gum in and began to chew.  The gum is blue, and it’s freezing both in my office and in my mouth, so I guess it’s at least living up to it’s name.

9:11 a.m.- I pop the top on my first 12 oz. can of Sprite Zero. 

9:20 a.m.-  The mixture of Sprite Zero and Winterblue tastes okay, it’s a little bitter, and sometimes when I sip, my left eye closes.  I don’t know why.

9:28 a.m.-  Between the sugarfreeness of the gum, and the caffeinefreeness of the soda, I don’t know what is more boring.  I do know that extended mixing of the two together is causing me to fake faces that no normal man should.  I’m like Dave Coulier with Tourette’s.

9:44 a.m.-  I belched a bubble.  It wasn’t a very big bubble, and the belch caught me by surprise, but it was an awesome surprise.  Then I snapped the gum, and it tasted like curdled Pez. Ungood.

10:02 a.m- I smoke my first cigarette. The gum makes it taste kinda menthol-y. 

10:11 a.m.- I can still taste the cigarette more than the gum.  But there’s a hint of smoke.  I guess it tastes like Burnt WinterBlue and Lemon.  There’s no trace of Lime.

10:26 a.m.- First can of Sprite Zero finished.  I’m still turning into Popeye with every sip, but the gum has only lost about 15% of its flavor.

10:37 a.m.- After over 90 minutes of chewing this gum, I’m convinced that Winterblue just isn’t the kind of flavor you want to last all day.  I’m kind of bored with it.  Now Nacho Cheese, there’s a flavor I could deal with for six hours.  I’ll keep chewing in the interest of blog-science, but you better appreciate it.

11:00 a.m.- Second can of Sprite Zero down.  Opening the third.  I’m strongly contemplating lunch just so I can spit this gum out.  It’s gotta be at about 40% flavor. My mouth is no longer wintery, though the gum is still blue.

11:26 a.m.-  Third little fallen soldier joins his friends.  The gum just sucks at this point.  I’m hoping my upcoming cigarette adds a little flavor to it.  Hoping.

11:38 a.m.- Just opened my fourth Sprite.  The cigarette put a little zing back in the gum.  Not a great zing but at least it’s working.  I’ve been chewing this gum for over 2 and a half hours now.  I’m starting to wonder what kind of person could even chew gum for 6 hours.

That's not hot.

12:04 p.m-  Well, I just opened my 5th can of Sprite.  The gum has pretty much lost all flavor now.  It’s kind of like chewing muddy paper, as far as consistency goes.  Lunch is definitely a priority at this point.  Only work and my resolve to blog this as far as it will go keeps me chewing.  Maybe I’ll stick it behind my ear for a while like Violet in Willy Wonka.  Might as well shove it up my ass, the way it tastes.

12:33 p.m.- Fifth soda down.  The gum is barely chewy anymore.  If I can decide between Pizza or Burger, I may just have lunch after all.  Which creates a new problem, there’s barely gas in my car.  There is however plenty of gas in my stomach thanks to Winterblue and Sprite Zero.  Ugh.

12:43 p.m.- I open my sixth can of Sprite, light a cigarette and drive to Burger King.  The gum now tastes like used boxers on a hot day in Georgia.

12:51pm. – I finish the cigarette and power through the next ten minutes chewing the gum.

1:02 p.m.- Having finally arrived at Burger King and passed the 4 hour mark, I spit the gum out onto the sidewalk and go inside to enjoy a tasty burger.

1:27 p.m.- A man leaves Burger King ahead of me, and steps directly onto the gum that I spit out on my way in.  Hilarity ensues, and the gum is left “striding” along with this pissed off dude in a too-tight t-shirt.  Thanks for the ending, Guido.

1:40pm, I pop a new piece in and promise myself I’ll never keep such timely records of my gum chewing again.

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~ by chrismcdevitt on June 14, 2007.

7 Responses to “Ridiculously Long Lasting or just Stupid Marketing”

  1. You shouldn’t ruin your gum by drowning it in Sprite.

    Left on its own, Stride lasts a long time. I’m not kidding when I say that. I thought it was just marketing bullshit when I saw the commercials for the first time, but they’re right. It’s a quality gum.

  2. Hello Everyone,
    My wife was finally able to kick the habit before she got pregnant with our now first born beautiful baby gilr, so I tought I’ll share the resource that she has used to help her quit the smoking habit with as many people as I can.
    She was a heavy smoker for about ten years and just a couple of weeks after finding out about the program that I have researched online, she was able to quit smoking permanently and now can’t stop telling people about how she had kicked the habit for good.
    Anyway if somebody want to check it out the site is; http://endthehabitnow.com

  3. I hate people who quit smoking and then “cant stop telling people about how she kicked the habit for good”
    Good for you if YOU quit.
    Dont push your feelgood tale on us as if you saved 5 children from a burning fire at an orphanage. I dont care what worked for you, I dont care if you smoke or not. Id rather be near an asshole coughing up his lung and smelling of wet Pall Malls than I would a cheshire cat grinning bitch who cant stop telling me how she kicked the habit for good.

  4. Really nice post – thanx for sharing

  5. I hate stride after about an hour of chewing without any drinks or smokes or anything like that i end up with this rancid tasting blob of crap in my mouth that was once bubble gum. Its thick hard to chew and a general pain in the ass

  6. i hate Stride gum, i once got the orange flavor and it just tasted like straight ass.

    and dude, you drink wayyyyyy to much soda.

  7. Stride Gum is bullshit. Extra gum lasts waaaay longer. Stride gum starts getting hard after an hour of chewing and starts to feel like rubber and looses most of the taste. There should be a lawsuit against them because they are running a scam!

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