Panty Ozark: Public Figure

If you don’t know what’s been happening in Philadelphia with Danny Ozark and Lu Ann Cahn, you can check out the pre-story Here and Here .  Or you can read the account in her own words, in her blog. If you ask me the whole thing is rather silly.  I’ve known Danny (or Peter as he was Jew-Christened) for about 3 years now.  In that time, he has proven to be a very loyal friend, an honest-to-goodness promoter of the arts in Philadlephia, and one of the nicest guys around.  Sure he’s weird.  Anyone who has ever heard him on the Kidd Chris show knows that.  He does coke, he gambles a lot, he’s lived in vegas, wrote for The Source, banged transsexuals, and muled Meth for professional poker players, all while promoting Porno Movies and performing comedy.

So I ask you, on what planet is it shocking that he would rifle through a newswoman’s underwear drawer if given the opportunity.  And how can that woman feel as if she’s been so very violated?  He didn’t go through her hamper, that would be gross.  He went through the clean stuff, there weren’t any pubes or stains on what he saw.  They were just boring panties.  He probably didn’t even sniff ’em.

AND If having someone go through your stuff while you’re not around is such an invasion of privacy, why would she, a victim, go then to his house, take advantage of his elderly father, and go through Danny’s private things ON CAMERA.  The very fact that you’re going to broadcast his private things to everyone who watches your News cast is not only biased it’s downright inflammatory.  This is not even steven, this is escalation, under the guise of “empowerment”.  Please, if I look at a coworker’s cleavage for a second too long I could lose my job, women don’t need to be “empowered” any more.  This isn’t empowerment it’s emasculation.  Something that Danny Ozark is quite capable of doing to himself, and probably paying for the privelege of it.

As Advertised

With all this in mind, after the baseball game, we went out to a bar, aptly named The Dive, and met up with Danny Ozark for his “Humiliation Party.” 

We gathered around the plasma television, Taking a Break from his Poker Game, the Dog waited on a Cold One kept company by Philadelphia Comedians Pat Barker and Richie Redding, Brad Maybe and Thomas from the Kidd Chris Show on WYSP 94.1, the platform that launched the controversy, and some dude’s dog named Jezebel.  We drank our beers and waited impatiently through stories that had trumped our friends’.  Namely a little kid who was hit by lightning, and some downed trees in an all-too-happy guy’s backyard.  Until finally, the puffed up revenge piece “Lu Ann Fights Back” came on.


Danny had been fretting for hours over what she might have seen or found in his bedroom.  Dirty Dildos, Photos of him in ladies underwear and clothing, tissues STUCK together in a giant lump like some sort of C.H.U.D. baby… Anything and Everything embarassing that he could think of he was sure they had captured on tape and were about to broadcast to all of Philadelphia.

11 Ball

   While he worried, I played 11 ball, because it was 6 credits for $1, and because quite frankly I have the attention span of your average 3rd grader.  Still it was destined to be a bang-up night for both Danny and Myself.  I got 9th place in the high score list, and he got what is arguably the best possible press in the world.  Lu Ann Cahn’s hard-hitting investigative story revealed to all of Philadelphia that this drug using, dick licking, no car having aging wigger is a SLOB.  That’s right.  He’s got an inch of dust on his TV, and none of his clothes are put away.  Things are lying about and strewn in a most unaesthetic manner.  Boy OH BOY!  You got him, Lu Ann.

haha...oh SNAP!

They spent 5 minutes flashing his myspace page, his youtube videos, and his headshots on Network TV, and their big payoff was the Panty Raider lives in a pig-sty.   This is why Women suck at revenge. They don’t know how to do it right.  Well at least the storm has passed, Lu Ann’s gotten her ‘getback’, Danny’s gotten a mountain of free publicity, and I’ve got the 9th highest score of 11-ball in all of The Dive.  It was a long night, fun as hell, but by the time I had to leave the bar (walk twenty five minutes even though Chazz Kinda said it was just a few blocks, and retrieve my car), I looked something like this:

Sobering Up is Never Fun.

If you ever need to sober up fast, take a walk through Philadelphia alone past midnight.  I’ll take Endorphins over Coffee any day.

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If you’d like to see more of Danny you can check out his myspace, or his Comedy Group, Too Drunk to Fuck.


~ by chrismcdevitt on June 13, 2007.

One Response to “Panty Ozark: Public Figure”

  1. […] What more can you ask for?  Friends, Free Beer, Baseball, A nice chill to the air, Free T-shirts…  A great time.  Even local cause celebre, Danny Ozark, came out to say “Whuttup” and support the Phils, right in the middle of his whole panty shenanigan backlash. […]

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