Just got back from the Shore

One of the perks of living in Jersey is being so close to the ocean, at least in the off-months.  Unfortunately, now that Memorial Day has passed anything south of Keansburg will suck until September.  Still, I had the night off from comedy, and thanks to my girlfriend’s little sister’s 9am “Acting Class” showcase, I had to go to her house.  We swam for a bit, but craved more action than a swimming pool and a de-facto babysitting gig can offer.  They did their hair up pretty, Thanks Bruce, and off we went to the Sleazide Heights boardwalk.  Ugh, man, is that a place to people watch.  . Jersey has ENOUGH trash, we don’t need to import more EVERY summer.

Still, it’s fun, you grab a sno-cone, made by a Ukranian teenager, and get the flavoring of your choice poured on it by an honest to god African-African; neither of whom speak English very well and certainly can’t talk to each other; you dump some quarters in the ski-ball machines and you go home.

At least that’s how it used to go, but the boardwalk has gotten very high tech, and very addictive.  I give you:


That’s right, DEAL OR NO DEAL!  $2.00 a pop.  I think Howie Mandel might have even done the repetitive “Okay, that phone is the banker.” voiceovers.  It takes about 4 minutes to play and about 40 minutes to lose your wad.


There’s no skill involved at all.  I don’t know why people act like there is?  I actually saw one guy with his hand hovering between the 4 button and the 14 button.  4 and 14. 4 and 14.  WTF, bro?  Just smash your face into the buttons until the round is over.  It’s completely chance.  The way the ‘video game’ version works is you pick your briefcase, and then you play the game to the end.  Who takes the fucking deal on the boardwalk?


As long as you don’t take the deal, you’re stuck with the first ‘briefcase’ you picked.  It could have 200 tickets in it, and in this machine that works out to about 2000 points.  Which ain’t a bad haul if you can hit it twice.  I had my eye on a sweet ass stuffed Bart Simpson doll, but alas, when you bring a 12-year-old to the boardwalk, all YOUR TICKETS, become THEIR TICKETS.  And trust me, I had a lot of tickets.

that ain't even all of em.

All my tickets are belong to her!!

When we finally cashed out, the three of us had 4650 points.  You know what I got?  a 25 point stick on tattoo, and a 5 point frog.  They gave me 55 points to play with but as soon as I asked for a tattoo Jess wanted one too.  So even though I won at least say 1750 of those points if not more.  I got a plastic frog.

I guess I should have taken the deal.

~ by chrismcdevitt on June 9, 2007.

5 Responses to “Just got back from the Shore”

  1. Hey, arcade games at a boardwalk in Jersey! I’m guessing you also enjoy playing ski-ball while wearing flannel and chain-smoking. (I base my entire perception of you people on the movie CHASING AMY).

    It makes perfect sense: Given your penchant for squandering tons and tons of cash on chintzy prize-giveaways (how are you doing on Coke Rewards points?), it would have been impossible for you to resist the allure of arcade ticket-collecting.

    That plastic frog is no better than anything I’ve ever gotten at an arcade. I think once I got a mini-Rubik’s cube, and that was the best I have to show for hours at a wack-a-mole station.

    The appeal of DOND isn’t that it’s cerebral… it’s that it’s RISKY. It’s like a slot machine. All you have to do is just pull the fucking lever, but the question remains: will you play conservatively and walk out a semi-winner or risk everything for yet more money? As Americans, this concept is ingrained into our brains, because we’re taught from infancy that only pussies leave good enough alone and true champions always demand more. BUT you could lose everything.

    Anyway, DOND should really appeal to a guy like you. I mean, no offense, but you’re crazy enough to purposely waste money on pyramid schemes that can only offer diminishing returns just to prove a point. You’re EXACTLY the perfect DOND player.

  2. I wouldn’t call MyCokeRewards.com a pyramid scheme, granted the offer of 10 points per invite is Pyramid-esque. But I’m well acquainted with the “ponzi scheme”, and MCR does not qualify. As for wasting money, I drink a shitload of coke zero and sprite zero anyway, that’s part of how I lost 40 lbs in 6 months. Now I’m just trying to get a Wii for my efforts.


  3. Alright, I stand corrected.

    You’re losing weight, gaining a Wii, and not wasting money. I’ll actually be jealous if it all works out.

  4. Fuck me like a coke bottle you fag.

  5. I get crazy looks from people out here in Washington state when I call the “coast” the “shore”. When I mention I’m from “back east”, “New Jersey”, or “Jersey”, then they realise why I sound so “messed up”.

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