How a Real Man Met Your Mother

 just don’t understand dudes that can adequitely raise some other guy’s kid.  I don’t buy it.  I’ve seen plenty of stepkids growing up, and sure there’s a caring on the surface, but grow up.  Having a stepkid is like winning the silver medal in the olympics and having to look at the Gold everyday for the rest of your life; just a few bedrooms over, and then have that Gold Medalist bum money, meals and tuition off you for twenty years.

Hey, I'm the first loser.

 That’s what a stepfather is: second place sperm.  You got it to the finish line, but a little late.  Nice try, tiger.  That’s why they always love their ‘natural’ kids more.  They might say they don’t, but trust me, they do.  That’s why your half brother got an iPod and you got a dustmop.  Start working, stepkid.  Tyson’s frozen dinners don’t grow on trees.

 Adopting is a little different, Adopted kids are more like the spare change of the child rearing community.  “Hey you got any spare kids?”  “Here take this one, he smells like shit, he cries alot, and in five years he’ll really like starting fires.”  But at least adopted kids are loved, loved in a way that stepkids will never know.  No matter how drunk an Adopted father gets, he can’t claim that your mother told him she was on the pill, or that she got pregnant to trap him and his juicy Mailman pension.  I think the only resentment one could have for an adopted kid, is if it’s an adopted stepkid.

Well, he ain't mine.

If you want to know what I mean, just take a good long look at Brad Pitt’s face.  He’s got his little baby now, and it’s being raised amongs Thais, and Africans and God knows what else.  Those aren’t even adopted stepkids they’re like Racial Trading Cards.  Angelina’s just trying to get the whole set.

Let’s hope the Adopted Stepkids trend lasts as long in Hollywood as Pashmina did.  I’m so sick of these adoptions being outsourced across the world.  Of course Madonna and Angelina picked up some African kids, you can adopt them for 53 cents a week.  How are American orphans supposed to compete at those wages?

I want to be the child of a Pop Star too.

Fuck ’em.

~ by chrismcdevitt on January 11, 2007.

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